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Thursday, November 30, 2006

EEK Who's Behind The Wheel

Apart from my ever growing hatred of arrogant, blind, bullying and dozy wagon drivers. The thing that scares me the most whilst out and about in my car is the sight of a cap.

They say that the older you get the more infantile you get. Take this as an example, Babies wet their nappies and some old biddies wet their pants. See where I am going.

Some (not all) people, who have a tendency to wear a flat cap also have the tendency to be really crap drivers. And as an advisory warning from me, should be avoided at all cost.

Likewise their younger counterparts, (who also seem to be prone to premature balding too) and after a few bottles of St*lla wetting their pants ( I would imagine) Have took to wearing a slightly more modern version on the flat cap, called a baseball cap.

Once one of these caps is worn in a car seems to turn the wearer into a more confidant but equally as crap driver. And as above should be avoided.

Got stuck behind one for eight miles on my way to work this morning. The other one neally ran into the side of my car because he didnt know what the little white liney things at the T juction were for.

I will leave you to work out which was which.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Not So Happy Shopper

Being a Tuesday, today is the day I call in to a supermarket in an effort to pick up a small and sometimes difficult list of items and objects as requested by my mum.

First task is to find a parking bay actually wide enough to take a motor car. From past experience I have discovered, the further away from the store the larger the bay.

These bays are usually less well lit and carry the added risk of finding on return one of your windows smashed by some PRI*K looking for loose change or your tax disc.

Once inside the store, as if by magic I somehow became invisible. Everybody who pushed pulled or swung a trolley managed to hit me with it.

Everybody seemed to want to stand in front of my target item and just stare at it, preventing me from getting anywhere near. If not a punter, it would be a member of staff moving all of the fresh produce to the rear of the shelf in an effort to make you purchase manky out of date stuff.

Have yoy tried to buy your favourite brand of pickles or sauce?. Whole isles of own brand stuff. What are they on? If my mum says Bartons Pickles THAT is what she wants.

Then ,there is the queue at the till. How many vouchers can a woman fit in a purse? Then to top it all pay the remainder in pennies.

Why do I always pick the wrong queue?

Today I opted for a middle distance bay, one with empty spaces either side. By the time I emerged from the store both spaces had been taken by knackerd old bangers, leaving me about six inches per side to squeeze me and my haul inside the car.

All that for a pint of milk an a loaf.

Shhhh we have let some off

Well I have to admit, I am a little surprised at myself for letting my blog slip. In my defence I will use the excuse of looking after Carol since her trip to hospital, and a series of minor problems with my car plus one or two flat packs to assemble to (Dress) Turley Towers after the recent renovations.

This weekend saw a few friends at the Towers for a tour of its facilities, and a meal at our newly assembled flatpack table.
After which we all retired (very quietly) to the back garden, to let our unused bonfire fireworks off.

Being more than a week after bonfire night, we were very aware of the possible anti social nature of setting off so many fireworks in our neighbourhood. And of course the risk of an ASBO and the scandal associated with one.

So with stiffled giggles, and feeling very naughty, we started the task. We realized after a very short time that we were in fact the only people at it, and the supermarket specials were in fact, quite loud. We spent a good half an hour or more whispering and shhhhhhing the fireworks as they went off.

We didn't last much longer than the half hour because with buy one get one free we knew if we continued through them all , we would get busted.. And pretty soon to. As we filed back into the house we caught sight of a neighbour and declared "don't know were those were coming from... Noisy B**tards."

May save the rest till New Year

Monday, November 13, 2006

Trafford Centre

With all the work that has been going on at Turley Towers, this weekend I gave in to Charlotte and took her on a return visit to The Trafford Centre.

Charlotte had been for an hour long trip to the centre last week with her school as reward for good behavior or grassing someone up.

It had been a while since my last outing and poor old Carol, had never been, so we removed all the valuables from the car including my satellite navigation equipment, printed a map and headed for Manchester. (you can tell I've had my car broken into in Manchester cant you).

Carol was asking me before we set off If I could remember what it was like. As if by magic and just from memory alone I was able to tell her about...... A glass dome, lots of fast food outlets with massive ques. And an atmosphere much the same as shuffling around in an airing cupboard.

We were not disappointed. The weather on Saturday was atrocious. Wind,, nearly blew us off Barton Bridge. All but the last car park we tried were full, and to top it all, we had to walk from our temporary out of town car park in the rain.

The entrance was through a department store with very over priced goods in it like glass candlesticks for 140 pound......Each. An assault course made out of oddly placed displays and even had staff trying to trip you up, by driving little radio controlled toys at you feet.

The airing cupboard at home wasn't a bad example really. Other than the fact we would have stayed dry, saved petrol, wouldn't have nearly gone to Leeds on the way home cos we only had a map to get there.

Plus Charlotte was bored without her 22 class mates.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Two days hard labour

Back to work tomorrow. Boy am I glad. Carol has been ill for two years now, and has just undergone an operation, part of which, was to confirm the fact that ..... She's been ill for the last two years.

At long last some treatment for her condition. Light at the end of, at times a very dark tunnel and Some hope for her to get back into the rat race.

What I found really odd, was the fact that the hospital gave me a note. This note was intended to reinforce the fact that "I" was to look after Carol.

Tonight, after two days hard labour, and bearing in mind, I have work in the morning. I had the cheek to ask Carol to make me a cup of tea. "I CANT" came carol's reply "Check the note,,,,, I cant use a kettle or cooker for 48 hours"

Convinced I had read the document fully, I explained "You cant drive or operate Machinery" She made me read the note again, after of course, betting me One Hundred Thousand Pounds. And Bugger me, it says she can't use a kettle or a cooker......... How did they know??

Monday, November 06, 2006

I'm Going To Get Done

Today is November the 6th. Its one day after bonfire night and I still haven't set off my grossly overpriced fireworks.

One reason for this is Charlotte. She had thrown a sickie and was far too ill to go into the garden to watch me fumble about with one of those burning stick thingies, trying to light tapers sufficiently enough to successfully ignite the high explosive paper tubes I had purchased.

Mind you, as a rule it is very rare to spend something like bonfire night as a family. We usually have friends round. It sneaked up on us. I had been meaning to call a couple of friends but as always left it till the last minute and then decided that it would be to late.

It is my strong belief that if I had arranged for people to come around, she may have made the effort to put a coat on and step outside.
The only other way would be to go to the nearest bus shelter wearing hoods and set them off there. That would probably appeal to a fifteen year old. Then we could nip into town and hang about the closed shops.

Carol has to go into Hospital tomorrow for an operation. All things being well a day or two to recover. We may be able to set them off at the weekend. I hope I don't get done for setting them off a week late. I know they are the in things to have but I don't want an ASBO....... Yet

Sunday, November 05, 2006


Who would have thought that, with entering a giant pumpkin into the Mere Brow Giant Pumpkin Competition, celebrating Halloween, cold weather and Bonfire Night around the corner. Christmas being next seemed to come as a bit of a shock for me this week.

Whilst doing my show I noticed our news team had put a poll on the Dune FM website, asking about Christmas. FIFTY percent of our listeners had actually done some Christmas shopping. WHY !!! What have they bought ?. I can just see people opening their presents. "OH What a lovely summer T-Shirt" " A Barbie,,, That will come in handy".

Maybe I am just a little miffed cos I've only just got around to putting my decks away from last year. Doesn't time fly. On the Plus side,,,, I can use my annual line on my woman at home.......... Soon Be Christmas .... Carol.

Well done to my Citroen Garage by the way. Took mine in for the recall on Monday morning. Got a lift into work and was later collected by a Girlie and taken back to the Garage. Didn't cost a penny for the work. (bet you don't here that often)